Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Brief Foray into the Acquaintance of Malaysia's Alphabet-based Dato's

It would be a formidable shame to think that Malaysia's alphabet-based Dato's are just limited to the usual suspects: Dato' T, Dato' K, Dato' M etc etc. Nooooo! Our country is RICH with these singular, titular, hieroglyphics personalities. And here's some (in no way exhaustive) listing ....

Dato' A is for Ali Rustam: were he born 500 years ago
The Portuguese would have 2nd thoughts rowing into this Archipelago
Dato' B is Bakar Baginda, though he isn't one
                  He would've, by now, wished he didn't have TOO much fun
Dato' C is the ambivalents, both named Chua
                  One just a follower, the other BECAME a porn star
Dato' D is DJ Dave,  a crooner both in Malay and Hindustan
                  Shoulda got all the limelight if it wasnt for Dato Shah Rukh Khan
Dato' E is Eskay - a part of the "T" trinity
                  The Father, Son and some Video Publicity
Dato' F is Fadzil Noor, former Parti Islam Head
                  Can't say anything much here --- respect for the dead
Dato' G is G Palanivel, MIC henchman extraordinaire
                  Lets wait till PRU13 to see if he is still there
Dato' H is Hishamuddin --- doesnt bear the resemblance of grandfather
                  Mostly known for being a dignified, terrifed, petrified Keris Wielder
Dato' I is Ibrahim Ali, scourge of the Perkasa Malays
                  Love him, hate him but he's just doing what's good for his race!
Dato' J is JJ, our American Ambassador walking tall
                  He's now stationed in Washington, naughty fingers and all
Dato' K is of course, the hubby of Siti Nurhaliza
                  And boy! What he wouldn't do, what he wouldn't buy to plizza!
Dato' L is for all the Lees and the Leongs out there
                  You've seen one, you've seen 'em all, fair and square
Dato' M is of course Dato' Seri Mahathir, a Tun in actuality
                  He didnt shoot the sherrif---he shot his deputy!
Dato' N is Nik Aziz, a formidable Northern State Moulvi
                  Ashamed to be a malay, wished he was an Arab Badvi
Dato' O is Onn bin Jaafar, he dealt in Politics like it was an art
                  Granddad of Dato' H, but about four times as smart
Dato' P is Peter Chin, heading the Environment Ministry
                  He'll scowl if you throw some rubbish or fart unnecessarily
Dato' Q stands for no one - not many in Malaysia has that initial really
                  And for the ones that DO have, none a Dato unfortunately
Dato' R is Aharuddin Attan. And I know that wont sound as cool
                  But mention Dato' Rocky and the ladies will start to drool
Dato' S is for that blogger in Pahang, and if you don't mind bersekongkol,
                  Open up his website and you will meet Dato' Sakmongkol
Dato' T is for any Dato Terlampau, and there's quite a few out there
                  Overdosed in viagra, all Mak Jandas beware!
Dato' U is for Uthayakumar. Whats that? I didnt get that right?
                  Oh how dumb of me. He's really a British Knight!
Dato' V is VK Lingam, a study in mis-identity
                  Cos people look like him, smell like him, but they weren't him personally
Dato' W is Datin Seri Wan Azizah, M.D.
                  Wife of God's great gift, it just so happened to be
Dato' X, as of now, hasn't been assigned to anybody
                  Interested? Do a scandal and we'll tag it to you unreservedly
Dato' Y is a mysterious man not identified till today
                  Bears the world's most sought-after DNA
Dato' Z is for former PKR hunkman Zaid
                  He's chubby, cheery, bubbly, tipsy. Enough said.
Lastly, Leman Pulut coulda been a Dato, Leman could have so much fun
But none of the kids are married yet: how could I have a grandson?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Things that stump Leman Pulut

Many a days I spend thinking and thinking
Many a nights I get by getting all confused
Frequent are the times I lose sleep, pondering
Over vegetarians who wear leather shoes!

Then there’s the shampoo and conditioner in one:
How on earth do they ever DO that?
And if a baby is actually brought by one stork
How many are needed to deliver quintuplets?

Who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp?
Who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?
If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,
From whence then came Elizabeth Wong?

Some things greatly mystify Leman Pulut
And some just left him absolutely stumped
Like that age-old Humpty Dumpty question:
Was he pushed or did he himself jump?

What can one be called appropriately
If one tries to fail and succeed in doing so?

If you are ALREADY in Hell and pissed off with someone
Where would you tell him to go?

If you are a Muslim Pontianak or a Jewish vampire
And they show a cross: will you tremble?             
Or if you’re a Christian one and a witness in court
Will you swear and put your hand on the bible?

These are things that stump Leman Pulut
And spend some sleepless nights pondering over
For example if love is really, truly blind
Why is marriage such an eye opener?
I know this sounds insanely awkward
And I don’t want to sound utterly ingrate
But I was thinking if one jogged backwards
Do you think one would gain weight?                                                      

If dose is spelt like rose and pronounced like ghost
Why does lose sound like choose but not spelt loose?
If could and would and should all rhyme
Why is mould pronounced differently at all times?

How can laughter be the best medicine,
When there are so many out there who die laughing?
And when a lisper’s boat capsizes over
Is he thinking or is he sinking?

Why do they let banks grow new branches
If they say money doesn't grow on trees?
Are there things that other animals cannot do
But done superbly by the birds and the bees?

Who taught a Kernal to read a jolonel
Who was Peter Gunn to Henry Mancini?
When cherubs take on their harps in heaven
Do they do Bach or do they play Paganini?

To prove to your church that you have faith in God
Will you uninstall the lightning rod from its roof?
But none of the above can beat Leman’s difficulty
In trying to end this poem with something REMOTELY meaningful but still maintain it to rhyme with “oof”!